the christmas things are in the shop. twinkly lights, baubles, tinsel, ribbon and pine trees. chestnuts for roasting by an open fire. gold and silver and burgundy. christmas catalogs. pictures of happy families opening presents.

and i think back on all the christmases i've had.

when i was really young, we'd go to my uncle's house every christmas eve for a party. basically, it was an excuse for the parents to play all-night-mahjong, but we didn't care - we had food and prezzies and loads of other kids to play with.

somehow that tradition petered out (i think there were starting to be too many kids around and no one could remember which kid belonged to which adult and what they liked and what present was suitable), so we stopped having christmas parties. for a while after that, christmas became just another public holiday with bad re-runs like home alone 9847582 on tv, and since we were all in school and we were having term holidays anyway, it just stopped being like such a big deal.

then toward the end of secondary school, and when we all broke up into different junior college's and to different parts of this wide world, christmas started to be a reunion dinner for the few of us. one time we had it at my house, and i'd put tealights around the driveway and on the edges of the porch where we were having the dinner, with a bowlful of flowers for a centrepiece.

this year will be the first christmas i spend in london, and i'll have the house to myself while the rest of them disperse to their own homes out of london to spend it with friends and family. i told S that in very mean and selfish way, i hoped he wouldn't get his internship with baker & mckenzie in australia so that he'll be around during christmas - he hit me with a pillow. and i'm already making tentative enquiries as to which of the singaporeans will be in london, just in case i decide to roast a chicken or a turkey or a ham on a whim.

i wish i were home to host a dinner party again.