the heart is one tough cookie, i can tell you that. i might have previously gone on and on and on about heart breaking and shattering and all that jazz, but honestly, those are merely for dramatic effect. most times it's just my stomach churning and my ribcage threatening to cause death by axphysiation.

so, my heart is fine. better than ever in fact, which is precisely the problem.i can't figure out whether it's the distance or the length of time apart that somehow makes everything seem perfect. terrible, but perfect.

i get all the benefits of being single in london, without actually having a downside to it. i have my own time and lots of personal space, i go to clubs and bars and parties, i meet new people, and i don't feel this big gaping hole anymore. my loneliness is mitigated by an internet connection, and nowadays it seems as though i don't even miss him all that much anymore.

perhaps the heart (we're talking metaphorically, with the heart as a symbol of all my emotions) has become numb. i know it's not because i feel any less for him, because i actually feel more now. but when trauma is applied constantly, i guess the body and emotions learn to adapt and cope with it, like a body piercing. invasive and painful in the beginning, but the body eventually accepts it and in the end you don't feel like it's there. or like how sometimes pain just really feels good, like skin when it's being continually broken. the endorphins kick in to protect the mind from the suffering, and the process ends up being a reward instead.

so even though i'd still give anything to be right there beside him at this very moment, i'm overall a very reasonable and rational person. and i understand that there's nothing i can do about the distance or the time apart. absolutely nothing. i have a school term, and we're both too poor to criss-cross the world just to see each other for a few days. i'll just have to grin and bear it, won't i now?

and carry on being the seemingly happy camper i am when i choose to be, praying/hoping/wishing/makingdealswithmrdevil that my internet connection never fails.


i keep thinking in a moment that time will take them away, but these feelings won't go away, they've been knocking me sideways, they've been knocking me out lightly whenever you come around me, these feelings won't go away...